Tuesday, July 01, 2008

UBS On The Front Line Of The 'Tax Wars'

I make my report from under a my desk, via satelite phone, risking my very life to bring you the latest from war torn Switzerland. We are hearing from the troops that a captured ex-banker has been interogated by the US tax special forces known as the 'IRS' and after a brave few minutes of resistance has spilled the beans.

Having wilted under the barrage of $39bn of US Toxic Mortgages our hero, UBS Bank, is now under constant attack and we fear the worst. Sketchy reports from intelligence, within enemy territory, tell us that a faction of the 'Federal Prosecutors Office' in Miami is to launch a strike on the Zurich head office of UBS in the form of a summons.

With a background of previous cordial relations between the two countries the summons is all the more frightening as it will be the first such action against a foreign bank. The summons is aimed at UBS revealing the names of 20,000 of the US's own citizens who have alledgedly used the services of UBS to hide money from the rampant IRS forces.

An expert on offshore banking in the US doesn't hold out much hope for named individuals and believes all is lost "The bank is in a very difficult position," Blum said. "If I were advising clients, I'd tell them to come clean; the people who come clean early will probably be allowed to get off with paying the tax, the interest and the penalties. Others could very easily face criminal prosecution."

UBS have been caught up in the 'War on Taxes' and are evidently on the list of the 'Axis of Evasion' targetted by the IRS. It appears that old allies and foes alike are joining forces to put paid to the 1000 years of peace in our country by declaring war on the very center of the country's tax and banking system.

First we saw the UK Tax Mafia forcing banks who had branches in the UK to give over information on individuals who held offshore accounts, this resulted in 50,000 souls giving up their banking information to the Men In Biege without so much as a fight.

Formidable forces were then mobalised in Germany with a first strike on Lichstenstein being waged by the secret police bribing an ex-bank employee to fess-up the names of all account holders. He did so for a new identity and six million Euros. This battle is ongoing on the borders of Switzerland but it is only a matter of time before the focus is aimed squarley in our direction.

Reports are also coming in that initial resistance fighters known as 'lawyers' in the US have pretty much folded and UBS are working with the IRS to resolve the accounts issue.

John 'Mad Dog' DiCicco, deputy assistant attorney general in the Justice Department's tax division, said in a statement that the U.S. has been "working cooperatively" with UBS and the Swiss government to obtain the account information.

An un-named source added "I love the smell of ruined fondue in the morning, it smells like victory"

Switzerland has steadfastly resisted calls from Europe and the US to revise its tax structures and banking practices saying they are 'not up for negotiation' but here on the ground we are concerned that international attacks will sap the will of our troops.

An unamed Swiss resistance fighter is calling on the Swiss to fight back. In a stirring speech he said:

"I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best tax arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our banking system, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone.

Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the IRS and all the odious apparatus of Taxation Rules, we shall not flag or fail.

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in the Alps,
we shall fight in the lakes and rivers,
we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength on the Internet, we shall defend our system, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight in the mountains,
we shall fight on the fondue shops,
we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,
we shall fight in the watch shops;
we shall never surrender,

Stirring stuff.

As I report here, the situation does indeed look dire, but if history has taught us anything, might is not neccessarily right.... Pray for our souls dear friends..... until next time.... Asset Manager... signing off.

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